Saturday, December 6, 2008

Introducing "The Kodiak Mall"

Thought I would share with you some comical thoughts I have about our Kodiak WalMart. Enjoy!
I do not mean for this to offend anyone.
Attention Kodiak Shoppers: We are pleased to welcome you to your Kodiak Mall! We are open daily for your shopping convenience.
Since we are well aware of the sobering fact that we are pretty much the ONLY business on the Island that MAY have a few of the things on your Holiday shopping list this year for your friends and family in the lower 48 states, we are pleased to extend our hours of operation to accommodate your Christmas shopping needs! Beginning Nov. 28th, our store hours will be as follows: M-Sun. 8am-10pm. We look forward to assisting you with all your shopping needs!

Please note the wonderful departments that you will find in your Kodiak Wal-Mart... I mean...Mall:

In observance of a long-standing Wal-Mart tradition (inflicted...I mean introduced by Sam Walton himself) someone will be standing at the front door and forced to offer you a cart and a semi-smile upon entrance! *Please note that the greeter has the option to offer you a soaking, or semi-wet cart- depending on their Holiday Spirit! We do apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you. However, we do regret to inform you that petitions for raises were politely turned down this year and our employees are working for a minimal amount of money and do not qualify for benefits because they only work 39.75 hrs. per week! So, picture yourself in their position and see how jolly your smile is! just a suggestion to help tip your Holiday Spirit Meter toward the positive zone :)

"Gift Wrapping Service"
To your left, as you enter, you will notice the Customer Service Desk staffed with some very friendly personnel. Please do not harass the help! We fight hard to convince them to stay during this time of year as our customers seem to forget what the meaning of Christmas really is in the first place.

"Food Court"
Also on your left, just past the Customer Service Center, you will find our "Food Court". We are tickled pink to announce that we have expanded our choices to included a small Subway Restaurant! In the past, your only choice was a pretzel or a hot dog provided by Wal-Mart's value menu! Please feel free to fill your tummy and rest your weary feet from all your Christmas Shopping within the mall! Subway offers daily Sandwich Specials to provide a wonderful variety for your Holiday Diet.

"The Christmas Shop"
Just past the food court, you will find our area dedicated to Kodiak and Alaska Souvenirs. What Christmas box sent to the Lower 48 would be complete without something purchased from this section of our store offering an array of cheap shot glasses, strange moose poop gadgets, and a vast selection of items that might offer a glimpse into the life offered on our beautiful Island? Don't forget to pick up an ornament or two to comisserate...I mean...commemorate your wonderful years on the Island. You know you are going to miss it when you leave!

"Kay Jewelers"
Just past the Souvenir area, located on the right as you work your way to the center area of the store... mall... you will find the jewelry department. Though the jewelry may not be to your liking...face it - the prices are incredible and the selection is vast in comparison to any other store you will find on the Island!

"Eddie Bauer"
Straight across the way from the Jewelry counter (on your left) are the men's and boy's clothing! Good luck finding the sizes you may need!

"Babies R' Us"
Just beyond that (still to your left and a little straight ahead) you will be face to face with our tremendous selection of baby items you are eventually going to need if you live here long enough! Boredom - or something close to a hair-brained idea to get PFD for the rest of your life - through a child born on the Island - is going to catch up with you at some point. So, why not plan ahead?

"Famous Footware"
Across from the baby section - we have stocked the most fashionable and up-to-date footwear available to our Island! And if you cannot find something that suits your fancy- just realize that it doesn't matter anyway because the snow slush left behind will eventually ruin them. Plus, you know that no one here knows the difference - and you will find something else to replace the pair once you leave and head back to civilization! So, take advantage of the fact that no one here CARES what you have on your frost-bitten feet to begin with. Just another cheery thought to get you through! :)

"Forever 21"
In the center isle you will find the wild array of girls' clothing that proves no matter how cold it is... girls just want to be girls, and they don't care how cold their tummy is - they are going to show it off while they don't have muffin top. And really, who can blaime them anymore?!

Keep working your way past the shoes, and you will find some things here that we like to call "Our latest crafting supplies"! Just buy the Christmas cards located in the right front corner of the store (where the Christmas trees are) and send them! Even the most avid crafter cannot justify the amount of money needed to dress up Martha Stewart's latest excuse for a lame line of paper and expensive glitter and stamps that she likes to call "crafting supplies". Trust me, it will be okay for a few years to abandon the need to create elegant cards for the ones you hold most dear in your life! Plus, think of it this way... we are four entire hours, and two shipping weeks behind the rest of the United States... and the crafters in the lower states have already sent them something more crafty! Maybe someone will send you one!

"Joanne's Fabrics"
Just pass up the fabric area altogether! No one really wants another handmade flannel blanket made of cheap fabric that is going to peel. Also, although I know that a lot of you are very excited about the historical election that our Country has been forced to deal with for four miserable years; please resist the urge to purchase a yard of our wonderfully out-dated paisley print fabric to create your friends and family a"cool Sari" in honor of our Nation's President-Elect!

"Best Buy"

We regret to inform you that we, ourselves, still have not figured out the hours of operation for our photo department - so take advantage of our vast selection in our computer accessories department and purchase a new photo printer and photo paper and learn to do this yourself! We have one kind of paper and two of the most popular brand names on technology hardware from which to choose! Make a decision already!

"Game Stop"
For all your gaming needs - just wait until you move off the Rock and you can buy them at bargain prices at the Game Stop you are certain to find within the vicinity of your new neighborhood!

"Bed, Bath, & Beyond"
We have a wonderful antique selection of housewares located near the center of the store for your convenience. Just come to the realization that you don't want to pay shipping on those items to ship them to your friends and family - and you know you don't want to have to deal with moving more of that stuff when the time comes, so do yourself a favor and don't even go down those isles! We do not profit from stocking current kitchen and home gadgets - due to the Pampered Chef and other home party consultants on the Island. If you positively must purchase an item that should be available in this area, ask a friend to connect you with one of those people and ship the stuff you buy DIRECTLY to the person on your list!

"Bass Pro Shops"
Go to Mack's Sporting Goods for all your hunting and fishing needs. The people on your list already have everything we offer in this section. Mack's has the latest gadgets and the best brands! And we don't even sell Grundens, which is what your friends need to fish in cold summer water anyway!

"Lowe's Hardware"
No one wants any stuff from our hardware section for Christmas anyway, so don't even look in that section! Just keep working your way around the huge circle in our mall right to the Christmas section and buy the tree your movers forgot to move when they didn't look in your patio closet. I would say that a purchase under $200.00 for a wonderful pre-lit tree is a bargain!

"Toys R' Us"
Don't even bother looking in the toy section now! If you did not get your lazy (I mean un-demented) behind out of bed on Black Friday and shop like the rest of the Island - you aren't going to find it now! I would suggest looking on line and paying outrageous shipping prices to make sure that your wonderful Johnny has something under the tree this Christmas morning!

You will find pharmaceuticals and chap stick for your wintry stress needs in our Health and Beauty section located on the left of our circle - just before you head to the check-out isles to spend your whole month's paycheck! You may as well stock up on the cold medicine, chap stick and massage items while you are not sick! You know we will not be open and ready to serve you like the Wal-Marts located in the lower 48 states that are open 24/7! Plus, it is time that you face the fact that your loved one will not be here when you are feeling under the weather to run out and buy it for you, anyway! You know, too, that you hardly have the energy on any given day that you are not feeling under the weather to tote little Johnny and Julie to the freezing car with frozen shut doors to make a run to "town," much less, when you are ill!

"Not a Super Wal-Mart"
We regret to inform you that we are NOT a SUPER Wal-Mart - as you are well aware! That means, you need to go to Safeway and pay ridiculous prices if you need anything on Monday or Tuesday - because you know that the Commissary is closed those days! You shouldn't have let the rain or snow keep you from going when you knew that was your last chance for a few days! Learn to plan ahead! This is an Island, for crying out loud!

Thank you, and Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukka, and Happy Chanukka! We look forward to seeing your smiling face and assisting you with your needs this year!

*Important Disclaimer: Please note that since we (the Nation) seem to ever question the existence of Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, we have been strictly prohibited to greet you, or fare you well by uttering the phrase "Merry Christmas"! Unfortunately - as well - we are not to apologize for infringing upon your Christian rights to stand up for what the Holiday is "speculated" to mean. Since you are Christians, it is expected of you to have the decency and courtesy to silence yourself when you feel you are being a "victim of Democracy".

1 comment:

cinpac said...

Sam (Mr. Walton) would be proud of you. What a riot! I printed it out for the girls to read at work, and I am taking it to my mom. She asked me how you were doing, and I showed her this site, but it was before the Walmart article.